The mop is hiding

Ever have one of those days that starts with falling out of bed after a night's sleep that can be counted in minutes not hours? You know, where that jarring crack as the old noggin hits the not so gingerly padded carpet awakens you unrefreshed? Next is the stumble to the bathroom only to discover the commode ran all night due to the "new" plumbing inside the tank, after which you are obligated to trip over the rug on the way to the kitchen. Losing balance, the counter jumps out in front of you and that toe stub pain will never cease during this lifetime.

Here you discover that that prized sauce slow cooked for your BBQ'd chicken tonight has been subject to an all nighter on the counter and the ants are doing victory dances even though you sprayed the area with pseudo DDT outside and inside before leaving the house yesterday. Then the water just HAS to splash out on the floor while making coffee and, of course, the mop has run off with the broom. They are hiding mysteriously doing whatever cleaning utensils do at night when one is supposed to be sleeping. Eureka! The source of the strange and spooky night noises at last discovered!

During the coffee ritual someone has to call and tell you about their neighbor's cat having kittens and the joy such an event brings to the world. Folks, is this really 6:30am information and is it vital!?!?!?" During this call the phone reception is crystal clear. Finally, you take a call that registers unknown on the caller ID just to get away from kitten girl and realize that the person calling owes you money. During this conversation you hear only the word 'hello' followed by a variety of hisses, popping, and great googly moogly sounds that end in an abrupt hang up.

Now the phone is making strange beeping noises and the computer starts clanging, "A new trojan infection has been found and Mr. Gates would like to take this opportunity to thank you for upgrading to XP." You sit down to correct it while enjoying your coffee beside the window with the view of the huge oak tree only to look outside and realize that a group of Nazi wasps have built a nest larger than your grill and are patiently watching you through the window. It's like they can smell those of us that are allergic to their evil venom.

Then looking past the porch and new wasp condo you realize something large and spotted is moving in the high grass. Realization hits you that that lawn mower belt has to be changed and the blade sharpened. A phone call to the Tupelo Zoo is considered and you decide that inquiring about large loose felines just doesn't fit in with the overall forced agenda of the day. It makes too much sense.

----------- Had to stop for a minute; the tears made the keyboard stop responding. Now I must crawl back to the kitchen and get that second cup o java. It's gonna' be a long trip to that coffee pot past the toe stubbing counter for a refill of this half-full cup, but I know I can make it. Vision is blurry. Wait, is that the lens that just fell out of my frames on the floor? What was that crunching noise and why is my knee bleeding? Truly, there were no guarantees at birth.

"Have a better than expected day!"
-Ed Coffin