Subject: A DIARY OF A YANKEE
Dear Diary:
May 30th:
Just moved to Madison, Mississippi...Now this is a City that knows
how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a
place! Watched the sunset from the Reservoir lying on a blanket. It was
beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here!
June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an
air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure
to see the sun on the water everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun
worshipper.
June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of
cactusand rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get
used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. But
getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.
July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.)
Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson
though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th:
I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left for work
this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had
died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the
$2,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The
car now smells like Kibbles and shi ts. I learned my lesson though. No
more pets in this heat.
July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's
hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the A/C
repairman charged $200 just to stop by and tell me he needed to
order parts.
July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in damn
house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come
here?
August 4th:
It's 105 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It
cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85, but this freaking humidity
makes the house feel like it's about 95. Stupid repairman pissed in
my pool. I hate this stupid city.
August 8th:
If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm
going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is
boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked
cat!!
August 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts and sat on the
blackleather seats in the ol' car. I thought my ass was on fire. I lost
two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now
my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.
August 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2
damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next
week!! Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert?? Water rationing
will be next, so might as well watch $1700 worth of cactus just dry up and
blow into the damn pool. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.
August 15th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 105 today. Forgot to crack the
window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer
cameto fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend
the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail. Freaking South.
What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?
"Summer afternoon - summer afternoon; to me those have always been the two most beautiful words in the English language."
-Henry James
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